I hadn't replied to Williams last message, his lovely cut and paste prayer so I thought it was about time I did! I do hope he will be sympathetic to the loss of my parents in such a tragic way.
Good Morning Williams
Firstly I wish to apologise for the lack of
reply to your emails. I have been away on business and there were huge
problems with the Internet connection where I was staying. I was on a
small island called Lesbania which was struck by a severe weather front
which brought down several power cables. We had terrible flooding which
meant that most of the native Lesbanians ended up very moist. The nether
regions of Lesbania were gushing with fluids brought down by the
(weather) activity. We were confined to our hotel and the food supplies
rapidly began to run out. I had several offers from native Lesbanians to
have a munch on their muff (a local fish based dish) but I am allergic
to fish so sadly had to decline. It was a trying time Williams but my
faith helped me through.
Anyway, I am now back home, warm and dry and ready to chat to you once more.
You
sound an experienced and interesting man I must say. You job sounds
quite powerful and responsible. I do like a powerful, strong man. I find them most attractive.
So
Williams, do you have a big family? Children, siblings, and parents?
Sadly, I am all alone in the world. My parents died many years ago in a
tragic accident. They were out walking in the Lake District on a
holiday. My father was always one to make sure they took plenty of
supplies when out walking so they didn't get hungry or thirsty in the
unlikely event that they ever got stranded or had an accident whilst out
walking. They were having a lovely stroll along a rather precarious
cliff edge when my father spotted a small baby bird stranded on a rock
below. He was a sucker for baby animals and insisted that he could climb
down safely and reach it. He carefully negotiated his way down the
rocks and was just about to take charge of the baby bird when a large
dark shadow loomed above. He looked up to see a vast flock of birds
getting closer and closer. One can only imagine that they were relatives
of the baby who had come back to it.
For a while they merely
circled around in the sky above, in a pretty and non threatening manner.
My father manged to pick up the baby bird, wrap it in some of the
nearby foliage and place it safely inside his back pack. As he started
back on his way up the rocks, the swarm of birds suddenly swooped down
towards him in a thoroughly alarming manner. According to some passers
by, it looked like some kind of bizarre, avian tornado as they flapped
and circled him in a menacing and wholly determined way. They must have
been able to smell the baby bird as they began to peck furiously at his
back pack. He did his very best to fight them off but the attack became
more intense and sustained. At this point, my mother began the climb
down to try and assist him in fighting off the birds. She reached him
with little difficulty but the birds must have smelled the egg
mayonnaise sandwiches in her bag and mistaking them for their own eggs,
proceeded to attack her too. It was mass flurry of feathers and beaks
and my father lost his balance. My mother reached to grab him but the
weight of his amply filled back pack proved too much and he toppled
backwards, dragging my mother with him. It was quite a fall, one that
their simple, flightless bodies could not take. They were found at the
bottom of the cliff amongst a fragrant mass of egg sandwiches, apple
juice and Kendal mint cake. Sadly, the baby bird was squashed almost
beyond recognition but experts from the RSBP are almost certain it was a
rather rare Northern lesser spotted Chavfinch. The parent birds of
Chavs (as the RSPB call them) are prone to fight first, ask questions
later type of behaviour and will often be seen ganging up on lone
animals in the pursuit to protect their own.
It still saddens me
to this day that my parents are gone but at least I can sleep easy
knowing they died trying to help a Chav find a better life.
Williams,
I really must get on now as I have a busy day scheduled. Places to go,
people to see my dear! I do hope we can chat again soon and that you can
understand and forgive my lack of contact over the last week. I really
look forward to getting to know you better.
Fond wishes
Camille x x x
PS, Do you like to eat fish?
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